The Future Is Stupid

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Tekmology. What is dat all about? Is it good, or is it whack?

— Ali G,

Da Ali G Show

The UPS driver delivered the last of my antebellum packages today—to the wrong address! Fortunately, I went for a walk in the -3°C cold to cool off, and while I was at it, I found them on the next block over at my same house number.

Porch pirating must be an easy gig. I walked right up to a stranger’s front door, picked up some packages, checked the labels to ensure they were addressed to me, and walked off without anyone giving me so much as a dirty look.

If you see a blurry Ring camera still of me on some Facebook group later tonight, let the OP know the packages were mine. UPS can confirm. At least, I think they can.

Their support team is supposed to be calling me about the lost packages (which I reported before starting my search of the neighborhood) but a recent software update on my phone unilaterally decided that any call originating from a number not in my contacts list needs to go directly to voice mail.¹

And what are you still doing on Facebook? Where is rock bottom with you people? Your dealer doesn’t love you.² Which reminds me, I’m deleting my Instagram account this Friday.

Footnotes

1. That the “Silence Unknown Callers” setting is set to the off position doesn’t seem to matter. ↩

2. Well, to be fair, one of my exes married her pot dealer shortly after we broke up, and they had a bunch of kids together, so sometimes, maybe he does, but not Mark. Mark Zuckerberg does not love you. ↩